~~ ATTENTION ROCK BANDS !!! ~~ Send your CD for review to:

PUNK Magazine Listening Party PMB 675 200 East 10th Street New York, NY 10003

Penny Brignell is our English publicist who hooked us up with the Damned for their Listening Party, and she's also set up a whole bunch of other cool stuff, from media interviews to distro to great new CDs. When she came to New York City for a visit, we threw her a party and she invited a few friends. Justine D. hosts Tiswas at Don Hill's and the Motherfucker events around NYC, Rochelle is Penny's good pal from Texas, and we invited along the usual group of idiots.

Magnetic IV Teenage Zombie Riot Reform School Records www.magnetic4.net ANNA BLUMENTHAL: Surf's up! Dick Dale meets the Dead Boys with a bratty chick singer - works for me! Very campy and it stops a hair short of crossing the line to silly and annoying, so it rocks. The songs all sound pretty similar but who ever said you have to listen to the entire CD? JUSTINE D.: '60s punk - 60s garage - Sonics meet The Cramps - Fast, Quick not as well-produced - vocals - reminds me of the Scabs (local punk band 1995). Too retro. Another band @ CB's Gallery on a Saturday night - or Continental. Do I hear Link Wray??? Too Retro!!! JOHN HOLMSTROM: Awesome band! Wow! Great cartoon cover! What a way to start a Listening Party! This is my favorite new band of all time! Nice and short, surf-type stuff. Girl singer, too! Perfection! JOLLY PROCHNIK: Yup. It's not redundant. I've never heard it before. I've never written about it before. Girl singer. I could do better in my sleep. Sounds like surfin' on Seconals. The kind of surf sound where you were gonna go surfin' but the drugs got there first. So, later for the beach, dude. Rather use the pillow for a board. But then you wake up and you got sand in your twat. And you're not even a girl. So there you go. ROCHELLE PERRON: Sounds sort of like a punked out Dick Dale with some unintelligible squealing vocals thrown in randomly. Better when she's not singing. They look even less cool than they sound. PENNY BRIGNELL: Louder. Loud! Loud! Loud! Yeah! Louder! I feel like a cartoon character on the run. Fast. (Hurry hurry) THE GENERAL: All I can say is you can't open the window enough here. I can't figure out if Jolly or Frank smells more! The smart money says Frank! These special guest stars rock! Penny's got the music blasting! THIS CD RULES! Return to top | next

Schoolyard Heroes Self-produced demo ANNA: Ah, pedophilia. Wait - they're not pedophiles - they are in high school themselves! Better yet! They sent us their CD wrapped in toilet paper. Free toilet paper! Thanks! I'm not crazy about this album though. Kind of Blink 182-ish. Definitely west coast. The girl singing has a good voice but it's not really my bag. But I will always stand behind the high schoolers who are into the rock. JUSTINE D.: Impressive, they know how to play instruments - good play off of vocals - male, female in unison - pop punk with no pop edge (that's a good thing). A band that could be featured in a cool teen movie - think JOSIE COTTON in Valley Girl. She can actually sing - ?!!?! The songs are a bit too long - but a good edge - not annoying - Record - drags - on - they go off on a tangent - They need to mumble - do not enunciate as much. Shangri-Las meet current day angst? What do you have to be angry about. Your parents pay for everything. Don't complain about ABERCROMBIE - when your younger brother sports it. HOLMSTROM: More good stuff. Nemo met Ryann, the singer, on a bus in Seattle so when I heard about this band I asked them to send me a CD. They're still in high school! Ryann is a really good singer! I heard they're very close to a record deal. JOLLY: Nah. Not really. ROCHELLE: I would totally listen to this. I want to hang out with them. High school must be cool where they live. I heart them. They're all over the place, they've got too many ideas in their young little heads all trying to get out at once. I hope they never sort it out. PENNY: Ooooooh. Rumbling bass. (I feel fifteen) Is it OK to make a joke? It's annoying, they - I've changed my mind. I like "We Don't Wanna Go To School." NOISE NOISE NOISE. Wow. This is good. I love this song. I want this song. Hilarious. (I only liked that one song, "I Don't Wanna Go To School.") The rest is poo. (More mumbling.) "I Hate Your Fucking Boyfriend" deserves an MTV video to spiral it to "Loser" orbit. If they are really young I like them more. Are they young? I'd like them to know the Shangri-Las, although I suspect they don't. THE GENERAL: SLUT MUSIC! LOUD, DISGUSTING, RETARDED MUSIC. Hold on. Penny doesn't like it. Any music she doesn't like I don't like. HOLD IT. PENNY CHANGED HER MIND - I LOVE THIS BAND! NO WAY! SHE KEEPS CHANGING HER MIND! THIS BAND SUCKS! Oh geez - she likes it again. What a fine bunch of musicians. Sounds like Beethoven. If she doesn't like them again I'm prepared to say they sound like retards. Return to top | previous | next

Mom's Favorite Dudes Beschissen Ist Geprahlt An MFD Release www.mfds.de ANNA: Okay, per John's instructions we are reviewing the cover first. Well, I am at a loss for words. What can I say about someone spreading his hairy asshole on the cover? "A" for ingenuity! Hey man, I always say, you gotta do something new - something different - surprise the masses! And they did. You sure ain't gonna see this CD at KMart... although Tower Records does have all the Dwarves CDs... JUSTINE D.: The German language can always get away w/sounding great - but unless you're Throbbing Gristle or Rarer Werner Fassbinder Kraftwerk it doesn't work. That CD cover has got to be burned - it's one of those CDs a 14 year old @ GENERATION RECORDS buys for its shock value. Yeah, I love Boiled Eggs - but you guys have ruined it for me - Almost, a nightmare band - hardcore, punk, crust - what are you? I do like the German intros (Reminds me of the Baader-Meinhoff)!!! HOLMSTROM: The most disgusting CD cover of all time - for sure. But does the music live up to the cover? Nope. Kind of ordinary. Some of it's in German. Didn't we bomb Germany back in '44 or '45? I wonder if there are any Afghani punk rock bands. If there are, I doubt they'd put their butthole on the cover. Well, I like this band. 'Cause I like punk rock. JOLLY: Hitler talking about Viet Nam kicks it off. Great! But then you look at the CD cover and it's a man's ass. So now you broke even. Consider yourself lucky and get gone. Like Woody Allen says: "I prefer to yodel!" ROCHELLE: One of the band members is named Dr. Rektal. Very German noise band. Not terrible. But, the sleeve is more entertaining than the music. PENNY: FAO Boris Perkman Dear Boris, You are very angry. Have you got a girlfriend? Do you have too much time on your hands? Your noise is "good" But I wish you would "get out more." From, Penny I'm so bored with this. THE GENERAL: FAO Boris Perkman Dear Boris, You are very ugly with no clothes on. Hope you don't have any more pictures of yourself. Your noise is "stinko." From, The General Return to top | previous | next

Hammer Cocks Wolverine Records www.wolverine-records.de ANNA: Loud 'n' fast. Cool liner notes - comics - just like KISS Unmasked. But I'd bet my bottom dollar that Hammer Cocks could kick Paul Stanley + Gene Simmons' ass any day! There seems to be quite an abundance of these hard rock (kind of) punk bands here in the PUNK office. I think this stuff is probably easier to listen to live, when you're standing up, at last, and on speed, perhaps. But I'm sitting down and drinking beer. JUSTINE D.: No more power chords - Metal Edge magazine would love this - I am not into it! I like the Dead Kennedys sticker on the drum set! That's the only thing you have going for you. HOLMSTROM: Another Deutsch punk/metal band. I like their image, but it's weird - Texas rednecks from Germany. What is this strange obsession about? Is Germany anything like Texas? Is it the fact that Texas is like America's armpit? Anna just told me this band is just ripping off Nashville Pussy... Whatever. Well, I guess it's not all that much stranger than all the skinhead bands in the 1980s that worshipped Hitler and the Nazis I suppose... JOLLY: Y'know, I was taking a walk the other day and I was exactly as bored as I am right now listening to this record. But here's the diff: I'm writing, drinking and smoking and there's 1, 2, 3, four girls present. So this is better. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 times better But I'm here also so that's 8. I'm glad that I am still alive an' shit. I'm like a superhero in a way. You never know what I'll do. I might take a walk. I might review a record. I might stay in bed all day. You just never know. ROCHELLE: They're from Texas, and I want to like them, but I don't. I bet they play at Emo's every Monday night. It's not bad, it's just nothing special. PENNY: I want to break stuff. PUNK! (I still want to break stuff) THE GENERAL: Ohhhh, the indignity. I gotta drink Bud Light and listen to this shit. Holmstrom has gotta put more Schaefer in the garbage can! Return to top | previous | next

The Aesthetics Off Mental Telemetry www.mentaltelemetry.com ANNA: Too art rock. Too much static. What is this? Their answer to Metal Machine Music? Please. There is no excuse for this. JUSTINE D.: One song sounds like the intro to "I Wanna Be Your Dog"! I believe in minimal cover art - This achieves that Japanese noise. Rock meets (early) Pavement. You meet the CD artwork requirement. I do like it. It lacks overdriven, hard vocals (hooray!). HOLMSTROM: Well, they aren't. Aesthetic. They should rename the band The Awfuls. They are so truly awful they are interesting. Sounds like "White Light White Heat," but too much like it to be original. Then again, if you're gonna steal, steal from the best, right? I kind of like it. They're trying to be experimental at a time that too many bands are trying to be commercial. JOLLY: Great. And any band that works with my man Bruce "My Man" Carleton is deserving of a yay and a half. Bruce Carleton by the way is one of the Great Original Supermen of Art so - you know, I hate this world with its idiotic atmosphere of "seen it all twice." Fuck you there ain't that many original talents (or people) in life - like when does Bruce get his million bucks? You could care less. People like you are why Van Gogh died broke. Fuck you, your world your century, your so-called knowledge and everything about you. You're boring. You're forcing me to turn to drink to compensate. If you weren't a girl, there'd be nothing good about you. Give Bruce Carleton money. ROCHELLE: This is confusing me, and hurts my ears a little, but I don't hate it. They sound too tough to be from New Zealand. PENNY: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... "The Idiot Team: by The Aesthetics: Mumble mumble. I can't hear you. (Oooooh. Oooooh.) I want to like you. THE GENERAL: Jolly likes this. That means it blows. Return to top | previous | next

Needle Pimps I.C.U. Cypherpunk Records www.needlepimps.com ANNA: I'm tired of writing the same reviews, but this is another group of white boys playing hard rock. Ugh. What's new about this? Gosh, I used to love writing bad reviews but somewhere along the line I must have developed a goddamned conscience because I wish I liked all these bands - ah, what the hell, pass me another beer and fuck the part of me that enjoys writing nice reviews. JUSTINE D.: Tired... You are not Wire, your music does not meet the liason between punk and sincerity - are you American or English - I hate fake English accents! Hersham Boys, Hersham Boys... You are not the Cockney Cowboys! I love the photos of equipment - guitars, computer monitors, mixing boards - it is a sound man's dream! HOLMSTROM: I like the first song. Sloppy, obnoxious, bad, stupid... Normally I don't like this kind of thing but this is so artless and seemingly uncontrived that they almost pull it off. If only if only if only... they didn't sing with phony English accents. Blows the whole thing. JOLLY: (Continued) Also he's a good fighter, which I can vouch for. He saved us in the Battle of Kearney, New Jersey. These guys were tryin' to jump us and he turned around, glasses and all, and smashed the motherfucker. Knocked him on his ass. He helped us get out of there alive and helped The general get respect in his high school as a partial result. And, one time (new year's Eve 1979) me + Bruce + John + some pals were crossing the street near Washington Square going to New Year's parties and this perfectly new sky blue Caddy nearly runs us over. Holmstrom has words with the guy. He pulls out at the light, turns around and floors it. At US. (He must've worked for the CIA - they always wanna kill Americans. And if you're a free American who knows what rights are - watch out!) Anyway he totals the grille, pulls out and takes off and me + my buddies + Holmstrom + BRUCE CARLETON - The CHAMPION - hit the back windshield of that bastard CIA-sponsored Caddy with live (full) Bud cans and cracked it. The British call police the Filth. They're right. So local cops are regular filth. FBI - super filth. And so forth on up/down the food chain. They live off the suffering of others. And yet Bruce Carleton continues to starve. He's like Beardsley plus the late 20th century or something. And he's cool. Help him. Love him. Or I'll kill you. Help me for that matter. Love me. Send me money so I can pretend to earn a living at this until my super powers arrive. Email Holmstrom and ask him for my address. ROCHELLE: I've heard this so many times before, by a hundred different bands. Minnesota boys with bad English accents. So fucking boring. They have a song called "Beer Is My Friend" though, and appreciate the sentiment. PENNY: Ugly Fuckers. I've gone all butthead. Errr... You can visit their Website: www.needlepimps.com. I like the lyrics to "Fucking Idiot": "YOU'RE A FUCKING IDIOT!" Fucking hell. How could anyone write a song with the lyrics like "Princess Dead"? Outrageous but so punk. "Prince Charles - Fuck off you little twit" Um. This ain't gonna sell. THE GENERAL: Beautiful girls everywhere. I hope one of them takes their shirt off - and I hope it's not Frank! Oh, this band is Supremo Pizza Hut Ruler of the Universe! Return to top | previous | next

The Crumbs Recess Records www.recessrecords.com ANNA: Okay punk. I think my brain is numb from The Crumbs' predecessors this evening. But this is all right. Thankfully there is some melody here. Sadly, if I saw this band live and the guys were ugly, I'd be real bored, but if they were cute, I'd love it. That is sad. At least I'm honest. JUSTINE D.: The speak/song way of the Crumbs if this is love - you can't get your money back - This is not cool! HOLMSTROM: Penny picked this CD out of the pile (we're getting a lot of them!). She liked the band's name. Nothing too bad - S'alright! JOLLY: What is this garbage. Punk rock? Punk rock sucks. I hate it. I hate my life. I hate my country too because there's too many abominations. I hope the police + the Feds + the üau;berfilth watch my every move 'til I got no fuckin' moves left. Them, with that Drive By Slow to Fuck Up a Free American and a Free New Yorker (and a Catholic - my mom was/is a Catholic). I hate cops!! "Giuliani can't sleep/'til I'm six feet deep" Right, rap guy! Now I understand the black man's plight in America n' shit. I'm not a number, right? I'm a fuckin' free man and shit. Fuck you. I'm not resentful I like living in a prison camp. You'll like it too. A lot. Anyway... ROCHELLE: Um... Again, a Texan band I'm having a hard time getting behind. There seem to be a couple of standout tracks, something about a jamboree in New Orleans and one called "Buzz Crusher" I'm starting to like. PENNY: Very very Nuggets... Such a good name. OK OK I like the name. But I've been playing Tic Tac Toe with The General and I have kicked his ASS! HA! (I really want to like this band.) I like the Jamboree - New Orleans Jamboree. I like this song! Yeah! Yeah! New Orleans Jamboreeeeeeeee! THE GENERAL: Penny, the most beautiful girl on the planet, just kicked my ass in Tic Tac Toe! Damn the British! Return to top | previous | next

MEANWHILE: Anna has to leave, and this listening party becomes a variation of "Survivor:" Who can stay sober enough to review the last CD? Stay tuned!

Naz Nomad Give Daddy the Knife Cindy Big Beat Records JUSTINE D.: I want to freak out to a psychedelic '60s mod movie - I want to rub bumpers with the only - Dave Vanian - I do like the Electric Prunes cover. Dave Vanian's voice sings like that of a God. Dave knows when to open his mouth wild enough - the howl of a crooning madman - in order to create that desperate sound - not abrasive to the ears. The best cover album I've heard. HOLMSTROM: Dave Vanian covering '60s stuff... like his version of the Ramones' Acid Eaters. Dave & Company pull it off much, much better. They chose much better songs to cover and do a great job. I don't know who the other guys in the band are (they're all using pseudonyms), but the drummer calls himself "Nick Detroit." Hmmm... Wonder where he got that name? Sounds familiar. JOLLY: Goddamn you - "Kicks" by Paul Fucking Revere and the Fucking Raiders - wake up! "Kicks just keep getting harder to find" No one gives me weed like they oughta! And there's too many cops! Kicks, Dave Vanian of the Damned is correct, keep getting harder to fucking find. Fuck you. And stop doing abominations in order to get your name removed from the Book of Life. On the other hand, continue. I hope I never see you again anyway! And also, dammit, 90% of the police state shit they got now, Giuliani had in place before the Towers fell and he became a hero. Pretty soon, Dave Vanian, you won't be able to have "too much to dream last night" 'cos you won't be allowed to dream without a CIA filth watching you dream in order to control you/protect you, like a protection racket. I want out. Goddam you stupid people. I'm gonna try the ricotta cheese pizza/ And, cops/filth, remember - there's a thing called the US Constitution - not England with the smile, a prayer and a handshake. So Don't Fuck With Me. I'm eating. Nevr fuck with a man when he's eating. ROCHELLE: Everyone else seems to like this. I would say something about it but the pizza is here, and I'm much more excited about that. PENNY: I Love Iggy Pop! Oops. Sorry. Wrong band. (We were talking 'bout Monday.) I do heart Dave Vanian, though. He is one of the best vocalists right now. Ever. He is so "there." He is so "on it." Also: He is so underrated. This guy is a God. THE GENERAL: Mannnn, this band's the grooviest. Far out. Burn our bra. Kill your parents. Totally super sonic wild. Return to top | previous | next

The Dwarves The Dwarves Come Clean Epitaph Records www.epitaph.com JUSTINE D.: They are naked - just long enuff - the songs do not outstay their welcome. HOLMSTROM: Penny's friend Justine asked us to put this on - wow! She didn't realize that she was asking for one of the best punk bands from the last ten-fifteen years! The Dwarves rule! I listen to this CD all the time... JOLLY: Good generic punk. Nah, it's good. Fuck standards anymore. How good do you want me to say that it is? ROCHELLE: Now this is good. Two-minute songs, stick in your head melodies, great song titles. This is the soundtrack to a good night of getting into trouble. So fucking sexy! I want to go pick up boys and have sex in the back of cabs and in alleyways to this. PENNY: Ooooh I like this. A lot. Fucking brilliant. They nicked loads of stuff off The Damned though. None of the girls in this room are wearing knickers. THE GENERAL: The Awesomest. Greatest. Neatest band on Earth! I may actually buy this! Fuck that, I'm stealing it from Holmstrom when he's not looking!!! Return to top | previous | next

MEANWHILE: Justine has to leave (she's too classy to get drunk at a vulgar party like this), and Rochelle stops writing.

Iggy & The Stooges Rough Power Bomp Records www.bomp.com HOLMSTROM: These are the "rough mixes" from Raw Power. Geez - how many suckers (besides me) buy this AND the limited edition Funhouse CD (with every single second from the recording studio) AND Iggy's remix of Raw Power AND the live bootlegs etc. etc. etc. etc.? A few years ago I heard that Iggy was going to start rehearsing with Ron & Scott Asheton for a Stooges reunion. Well, why not? C'mon, you guys! You aren't getting any younger! And at this point no one will expect you to be as wild and crazy as you were in the late '60s early '70s. On the other hand Iggy has been great live and Ron has don some amazing stuff with Niagara, so why couldn't a Stooges reunion be the most amazing reunion of all time? Ron Asheton is a great guitar player, very underrated. He never got his due. I like the first two Stooges albums the best, I think his guitar stuff is the reason. C'mon you guys! Get it together. Do it again. Even just one time, in Detroit. It would be amazing. JOLLY: Now THIS sets it all in perspective. This record is too good for a review party. It doesn't compute. It's too good for rock. And no cops. Footnote to GW Bush: Pull your fuckin' people back about 3 blocks before I fuckin' pull the plug on all these shenanigans or else you'll have to kill me. And I warn all of you: I like the album Raw Power so... PENNY: I love Iggy but I can't be bothered to write about him. THE GENERAL: Mother Fucking BeYondo Great! We're off to play Battle Brick at the Lakeside. I will avenge my Tic Tac Toe loss to Penny!!!! Return to top | previous | next

Ramones Adios Amigos Radioactive Records HOLMSTROM: This wasn't their last CD, was it? Wasn't it that "We're Outta Here" CD/video? Or was this their official last studio CD? Oh well, they broke up and they meant it and they'll never play together again. I've heard a million Ramones stories lately, since I've been helping Maureen W. try to get the corner of The Bowery and East 2nd Street renamed Joey Ramone Place. It's where Joey shared a loft with Dee Dee and Arturo Vega, and just down the street is the playground where we photographed the band for their first record cover, and across the street is CBGBs, and behind CBGBs is where Danny Fields shot the cover for Rocket to Russia... Well, it's too late now to review CDs... It's about time to go. ROCHELLE: You can't help feeling a bit sad hearing this, and it's exactly the opposite of how you should feel. Such a good band. PENNY: The Ramones are the best band in the world - I know it. THE GENERAL: To be truthful, I never liked this band after Rocket to Russia. But I must say, this is really good. Joey lives! Return to top | previous