If you want to send in your band's CD so that PUNK Magazine record staff and anyone else who shows up can listen, laugh, cry and make stupid, drunken comments about it send it to:

PUNK Magazine Listening Party PMB 675 200 East 10th Street New York, NY 10003

And so, for the first time in history, the Number One selection on the PUNK Magazine Top 99 also won a Guinness World Record.

To commemorate Glen Jones's mighty feat, we decided to hold a Listening Party in his honor. We invited Sean and The General, who are both big fans of his show, and "The Usual Gang of Idiots" (i.e., Anna Blumenthal [our new intern], Jessica [our first and greatest intern], Jolly, [the Resident Punk who took the title after Legs McNeil abdicated in 1977]).

Glen Jones showed up a little bit late so Jolly, Anna, Sean, Jessica and I got the ball rolling, which is too bad, since the first CD was the best of the night. It also sort of set the tone for the rest of the evening...

Los Suízídas | USA Wasted | Tijuana Bibles | 3rd Message Inc. | The Plastic Eaters | New Direxion | Sloppy Meateaters | The Dictators | Johnny The Singing & Talking Toilet

Los Suízídas Self-produced suizida88@hotmail.com www.ideal.es/indyrock/trash.htm ANNA: Wow. At first, I thought this band was singing in Japanese. It just sounded so odd. But then I guess I heard some Spanish? By far the best Clash cover ever ("Career Opportunities"). The beginning of the fourth track, "Vicky," sounded an awful lot like the '80s cover of "I Want Candy." Recently I met another band from Spain and one of the members told me that most Spanish rock or punk bands sing in English, which at the time I thought was weird, but now I know why. Singing this shit in Spanish just sounds so weird! Next. JESSICA: Very, very weird but very good. It's in Spanish but it's got a nice, old punk rock feeling to it. A hilariously cute cover of "Career Opportunities." This band is pretty damn funny that's all I can say. It's always a good thing to hear punk rock in a different language, and I think this CD covers it pretty well. Well, the last song is entirely devoted to vomit, which the Spanish call "el vomito." It's cool to learn a couple of new words in Spanish. SEAN: A home-burned CD--that's 10 points right there. The songs actually have melodies--10 more. It sounds kind of as if it were a Clash rehearsal, which may explain the cover of "Career Opportunities," the vocals sound like they owe something to the "Kid" version, only because of the (apparently) female human vocalist. The "vomit" song doesn't have enough vomit in it. They lose a few points for being a bit sloppy and losing the tempo. How many points is that? JOLLY: I like this. It makes you lose your mind. Like Bryan Ferry sez: "This crazy music drives you insane." But then he sez: "--This way." (Like, he knows the way an' shit.) But of course, you don't know shit. And so you lose your mind. It's a lovely record. It's like listening to a Spanish chick who really understands what being a chick is all about. It's like a case of arrested development gone haywire. With wheels. Or without. Pretty rough. HOLMSTROM: This is the first-ever official submission to the Listening Party. There it is, right on the envelope, it's addressed to: The Listening Party c/o PUNK Magazine. And it's from Spain! And it's good music! And they sent us their photo with a cartoon of somebody vomiting on the back! Spain is big on punk rock. Alberto from Wowsville is from Spain, and Naxo Fiol interviewed me a while back for his fanzine Suburbio. Certain countries seem to "get it." Just like certain people do. These guys get it. I like this place, Spain. I'll have to visit some day. Return to top | next

USA Wasted The Punk Rock Glitterati SIA Records www.usawasted.com ANNA: So this is a two-man band? Okay. So far sounds like any other white male punk band. I really have so little to say about this record it's remarkable. Have we already listened to four tracks? I could have sworn it's all been the same song. Oooh, wait--I think I just heard a chord change. Wow. JESSICA: This band is doing all right for only having two members. I especially like the third track, "I Fuck Excess." But then again something lacks in this CD. It sounds kind of cocky. But overall I don't think it's too bad. SEAN: This is... Um... It's played better than the last, but I think I've already heard it... Played by someone else... It makes good background music to talk to Jones over... Jonesy! "Burn Manhattan" is a good song, but they're not playing it right. "Define" right! No, fuck you. THE GENERAL: Might have been better if I heard it. GLEN JONES: This would sound better after I drink. JOLLY: Beer instead of the bullshit. Not even vaguely good. The Queers sound better. And The Troggs. Wow. HOLMSTROM: I like these guys. This is a good CD. JOHNNY THE SINGING & TALKING TOILET: I need a vacation. Return to top | previous | next

At this point it was becoming obvious that Jolly was completely drunk. We tried to get him to eat some pizza to sober him up but he refused. He was acting really bizarre and saying stuff that didn't make any sense and started to make people uneasy.

Next up was a departure from our normal procedure. The General brought a CD of a band he saw live: Tijuana Bibles. (This was right after the last Listening Party when we went to The Continental, where we had a lot of fun. At the end of the night Furious George invited Jolly, Jari and I to join the band onstage to sing Ramones songs). Anyhow, the General has a big crush on the female lead singer, and figured he'd score points with her by having us review it.

Tijuana Bibles Self-produced www.tijuanabibles.net ANNA: The General said it best: "Oh, I should have listened to this before I brought it in." Yup, maybe he should have. This unsettingly reminds me of Rush. The singer sounds a lot like Gwen Stefani. Not a pleasant combo. The first song I think sums it up best: "Somebody Gimme a Pill." JESSICA: Wow, no offense but this CD is total crap. The singer girl is a definite bar slut. The first song "Somebody Gimme a Pill" is just crap, total crap. The singer just embodies everything I hate. Wow this is bad. The band musically isn't that bad, but this is just cheesy. This almost sounds like a girl "Rush." This is the wormiest CD yet! SEAN: TZzzzz-*snort*--wha? There was a band that sounded kinda like this circa 15 years ago, The Bounce, but they were cute and poppy. The second song shows some, but not enough, Stooges influence. Whoever produced this should do the next Los Suízídas CD. Third song--No. Fourth song--50 points for the slide guitar and shuffle beat! Isn't this a country magazine? THE GENERAL: Whammo socko! Whatta band! Outta control! Wild! Insane! Groovy! GLEN JONES: Oh for Chrissakes... JOLLY: Kill for Christ. "We Jews killed Christ and if he comes back we'll kill him again!" -Lenny Bruce "Jesus told her that she's not coming back!" This record really tries hard to "Christianize" rock by "caring just a 'little.'" Now, I believe. I believe! I believe! Caring, curing! No! I have to Christianize Europe! Singlehanded! This sounds like the Cowboy Junkies on acid. (And that's not good! No! Not good!) HOLMSTROM: The CD sounds very commercial, very mainstream... Like Led Zeppelin... Or Heart... I guess it's good for what it is but I don't like it. JOHNNY THE SINGING & TALKING TOILET: "Hey! Turn on the fan!" Return to top | previous | next

Jolly brought the next CD to the party. He said we should open things up and listen to different types of music. Jolly is a big fan of hip-hop and rap music. He thinks PUNK magazine is often too limited in its perspective. He thinks PUNK should run articles on hip-hop bands.

3rd Message Inc. 2nd Mission! Self-produced www.3rdMessage.com ANNA: Well, Jolly said he wanted to feature one hip-hop band in the magazine. I think one of the reviewers here may have had a personal affiliation with this band, and decided to submit this CD to be reviewed as a favor. And what's with the title? Is that some kind of personal joke that I don't know? Actually, who cares. Best lyrics so far today: "I grew up in the '80s/I'm a crack baby." Yes, you have to be to have made this album. JESSICA: All I have to say is God broke the mold when he made Jolly. Jolly brought this CD in, he got it from a guy on the street. I'm not gonna say a damn word about this. SEAN: I don't think John changed the disc. Hey, Jolly, shut up. Oh, wait, it's the disc... It's rapping at me. Um, I think. I'm not qualified to review this. I kinda like the backing tracks. They'd make really good film music. The vocals aren't mixed right, they too up-front and dry. Lose 35 points for using the phrase "out of space." Once it gets going the 4th track is good, for what it is, but I may be saying that for the wrong reasons. THE GENERAL: Fight the powers that be! Let's breakdance. (Or is it moondance?) GLEN JONES: Hollywood Glen Jones likes it! JOLLY: Okay, punk rock right? It's like wow it's the same sound! I wanna beer and I wanna cig. But let's have sex (if yer a girl). Arrested Development. Crips vs. Bloods--Blunts 'n' Cunts. Type o' SHH-stuff! (At this point Jolly's manuscript degenerates into indecipherable scribbling) HOLMSTROM: I generally dislike hip-hop and rap. Some of it's okay--I like Grandmaster Flash, Cypress Hill, some Ice Cube, a little Ice T on a warm day, etc. This CD is typical of why I don't like it. They remind me of Barry McGuire's "Eve of Destruction." Or Bob Dylan's "Subterranean Homesick Blues." Not enough music, too much message. I always preferred surf music to folk. And to me, this kind of rap is just glorified protest music. But really, I don't feel qualified to review this... I don't listen to enough hip-hop to say anything intelligent... JOHNNY THE SINGING & TALKING TOILET: "For sure!" Return to top | previous | next

Next, Jessica picked out a CD made by some friends of hers.

The Plastic Eaters Live at Uptown Self-produced www.plasticeaters.com ANNA: I feel like I've been giving shitty reviews left and right today. But this is really like tons of other white male punk bands yet again. No, wait, actually, that's not true. It has some rap parts and sounds like a bad version of 311. Why does their cover look like Never Mind the Bollocks? I hope the Plastic Eaters don't think they sound like the Pistols! JESSICA: I like this a lot. It's like almost Industrial Punk. Very nice vocals. Very Atari Teenage Riot at some points, and at sometimes maybe even Skinny Puppy influenced. I give 'em an "A" for originality. SEAN: Starts off good--got a laid-back, Sigue Sigue Sputnik thing going... If they had the melodic sense of, say, a Los Suízídas, this would be the Perfect Record. If they had a female human vocalist, they'd make a lot of money but would suck. I'll listen to another song before I give a real opinion. ... Okay. ... Get this forthwith, when you run out of Big Audio Dynamite albums. But not before. THE GENERAL: I was sorta eating pizza during this CD. I'll review the pizza instead. Very tasty, but it got cold sitting next to the air conditioner. I highly recommend Lisa's Pizza on Fulton Street. Four stars. GLEN JONES: It doesn't make me want to leave. Most CDs do. Might be the best thing we listened to. JOLLY: I AM Bob Dylan--the #1. Stalin--7,000 from that town. I THE USA Yeh + The Generals (the Bureaucrats!) This music sounds like takin' a chance. One in 10,000 like Jefferson + Sally Hemmings. HOLMSTROM: It's really difficult to make a good live record. This one is so good it sounds like a studio recording. It's good stuff--not exactly punk rock, but I am not sure what you'd call it--not exactly my type of music either--kind of too much like Rage Against the Machine for me--but it's good. For what it is. (Am I using that cliché too much or what?) JOHNNY THE SINGING & TALKING TOILET: "Whew! That stinks!" Return to top | previous | next

New Direxion Hellbent Records www.hellbentrecords.com ANNA: From the title (=alternative spelling of household word) I thought this would be a hip-hop or rap album. Nuh-uh. It's like Blink 182 with five guys (instead of the requisite three) and a chick who sings some of the songs. The flyer to distributors said "Expect a huge buzz surrounding this band starting immediately." Probably true as this band sounds so generic it'll probably get popular. Thanks for the warning. Do these new Hansonites write their own stuff? Liner notes say yes. Hmmm. JESSICA: This is a release by my good friend Joe Oz's record label Hellcat Records. I hate New Ska Stuff I really, really do. But for a couple of 17-year-olds they're really talented. I can't stand poppy ska stuff, but I really think these guys will go far. SEAN: It's not loud enough, but that's John's fault for turning down the last disc so he could talk to Jones. I kinda like this. It's like good Green Day with horns. ("Good Green Day" being equal to "Bad Dickies" but that's another story.) Lose 50 points for the press kit, but that's just me. This isn't bad. They're no Los Suízídas, but it ain't bad. Bad name though. "I know who these guys sound like!" I sez to Jones, "The Mighty Mighty Bosstones, only without the ska!" "Right," he sez, "They'll get to that." THE GENERAL: I keep fucking up and missing these CDs! In this case I spilled a bunch of beer on myself and listened to Jolly babble about who the fuck knows what. I think he's on the roof now. If he jumps I'm drinking his beer! GLEN JONES: Any band with a song named "Asbury" is all right by me. They look like pretty boys but thou shall not judge a book by its cover. Pogo-a-go-go! JOLLY: I was born in Hazlet I NOW! And not late. Excellent! and WOW! This is like Hip-Hop minus the good flav... HOLMSTROM: According to their publicist, these guys "toured with Goldfinger and Reel Big Fish, playing in front of 1500-4500 kids a night." Well, yeah, but when you're third on the bill... I guess this is like teenybopper punk, "for fans of Saves The Day, Pennywise, Less Than Jake, New Found Glory, Catch 22 and Suicide Machines." It's okay. It's fast pop-punk. Not bad at all... 'Cept I am not too crazy about the horns. They cover Kris Kross's "Jump" so maybe I am just too old to review this stuff, that song doesn't mean much to me. Yeah, I should quit this gig... JOHNNY THE SINGING & TALKING TOILET: "Put the seat down when you're through!" Return to top | previous | next

At this point, Sean leaves. We're nearing the end of the evening. It's getting late.

Sloppy Meateaters Forbidden Meat Orange Peal Records www.sloppymeateaters.com www.orangepeal.com ANNA: Wow, we got the next Ramones: "Sloppy Josh," "Sloppy Kevin," and "Sloppy John." Very creative using the same name prefix. Track four is called "Fat Chicks." Track 13 is called "Talkin' 'Bout Jesus." What can I possibly say that those two titles don't already say? JESSICA: Again I don't really like poppy-type music. This sounds almost Emo-like and I'm not too fond of Emo punk. The singer just sounds very whiney and it's not my cup of tea. This is just trying too hard to be witty and funny. No sir, I don't like it. THE GENERAL: Well, who the hell knows. Jolly is really going nuts now. Last I looked the guy burned Jessica with a cigarette. I hope he doesn't puke on the beer. GLEN JONES: Fifteen fucking tracks of this. JOLLY: This record sucks. It's a ripoff of a ripoff! Evel Knievel--love means LOVE (glove) (indecipherable) HOLMSTROM: The music is okay, kind of mediocre... I dunno. We aren't even listening at this point. Jolly is trashed, Jessica and Anna are more interested in talking, and Glen and The General are more interested in Jessica and Anna. JOHNNY THE SINGING & TALKING TOILET: "A clean toilet is a happy toilet!" Return to top | previous | next

The Dictators Live Bomp Records www.bomp.com ANNA: Viva the Dictators! (I know I am just a spring chicken (22 years old) but ever since I first heard of The Dictators when I saw them at the Bowery Ballroom a few years ago I have loved them.) This band sure sings about the real shit: "(I Live For) Cars and Girls," "New York New York," "Rock 'n' Roll Made a Man Out of Me"... YEAH! We all love Richard Manitoba's Animalistic growls and screams... This live album definitely has all their live energy. The Dictators are just as great now as they were back in the day. Hope their up and coming album is as great as the others are. JESSICA: All I have to say is Thank God for the classics. The Dictators are good no matter what album it is. They put on a great show and sound awesome live. They've got that hard, right-at-ya-ness that you just don't hear anymore. This was recorded February 11, 1981 and it sounds it. "Next Big Thing" and "Search and Destroy" sound great. You just can't go wrong with this or any other Dictators' CD. THE GENERAL: YEAH! The Dictators KICK ASS! GLEN JONES: FINALLY! The Rock + Roll HAS COME BACK to NYC! JOLLY: Yow! The best! Every enemy must eventually PROSPER! Violate every woman's rights! Yep! Sexism! Yer a chick and I'm a dude! Chicks?? What, ultimately, is a chick?? Sher... You're not chicks but--An' all that hippie writing like that there. This record which I have waited a whole 45 minutes... "Search and Destroy" This has way too much stuff in it to be the Actual Thanks be to God + to the Dictators! They rea... Reducer Rocket 'cos yeh! mus' b some sorta... British Rock! Dictators=PIKtators-Dickttators! D is for D=Die I=I C=Cunt T=Tits A=Ass T= Kill= Die= Mc5=MC (squared) Yes!!! HOLMSTROM: "The Next Big Thing" kicks it off... What a great song. These guys have to get the credit for starting punk rock in NYC. They were the first band to dress like regular Joes (blue jeans, sneakers, t-shirts, jean jackets + leather jackets) and define the punk lifestyle (cars, girls, surfin', beer nothing else matters here). Yeah, like the liner notes say, other groups sang about rock and roll but the Dics LIVED it. And they made US wanna live the life as soon as we heard that first record of theirs. Their first LP is a classic! To me, "punk" started with The Stooges, MC5, Alice Cooper, the NY Dolls, the Dictators, and the Ramones. And that is still my favorite stuff to listen to. But to me, The Dictators were best of all because once upon a time they had a truly amazing really screwed up and completely offensive & funny sensahumor! "Science Gone Too Far" is next. Yeah, they made a huge mistake with their second LP. Andy wanted to go more mainstream, wanted to be the next Hollies, they wanted to distance themselves from the Wayne County incident, wanted to distance themselves from the faddishness of early New York punk rock and desperately wanted mainstream success so they decided to go heavy metal! Heavy Mental is more like it. "Science Gone Too Far" is definitely Heavy Mental. I think it's the best song from Manifest Destiny. But believe it or not, when Manifest Destiny was released the Dictators liked "Hey Boys," the worst song on that album, so much they released it as their first single. They thought it would be a hit. That's why I think they were Heavy Mental. How else can you explain that? Well, at least they don't play "Hey Boys" live any more! "Weekend" from their first LP had as much to do with us naming the mag "PUNK" as anything. This song described our lives in 1975 like no other (except for the drug references to "stash" and "sopor"). "Eddie is the local punk... hanging out and getting drunk," "I do my homework in the bar," "Throwing up" etc. (Remember, back in the 1970s, the drinking age had been lowered to 18! So kids were hanging out in bars after school, doing their homework there. Ah, the good old days.) The Dictators are a strange band. They became great because they parodied mainstream rock as they transcended it by doing it better than anyone on the planet. And so their first album inspired the whole punk rock movement. (Them and Eddie & The Hot Rods, the British equivalent to The Dictators, but that's another story for another day.) But their first album bombed. It sold three or four copies total. So the Dics then aspired to be a mainstream heavy metal band. At this time they became somewhat irrelevant to the punk rock scene, and started to be viewed as just another mediocre heavy metal band. So many bands were eager to jump on the punk rock bandwagon that The Dictators started to be left out of the picture. But they were just too weird to be mainstream heavy metal. So after Manifest Destiny sold about as many records as The Dictators Go Girl Crazy, they tried to bridge the gap between punk and heavy metal with Bloodbrothers ("Borneo Jimmy," Minnesota Strip," "New York New York," etc.). It was a great LP, but I remember when they played the Bottom Line to promote its release, they announced that they were breaking up (for the umpteenth time), over drummer problems (for the umpteenth time). And this was right after they played the best set I ever heard from them. Talk about frustrating. Thus the "'Tators" threw away one more chance at rock 'n' roll stardom. The Dictators coulda been somebody. They coulda been contenders. But they haven't given up yet. Like Andy Shernoff sez, they never officially broke up (well, they did, but never for good, and they reformed a zillion times). In fact, their attitude inspired me to bring PUNK back. So let's see what happens next. Return to top | previous | next

The Listening Party is officially over. But we decide to hang out for a while. Good Neighbor Frank shows up with some Macadamia nuts. Jessica leaves, but not before a very drunk Jolly hugs her about 20 times. I finally separate them, and Jessica escapes. The few of us still left decide to review one last musical act for the evening.

Johnny The Singing & Talking Toilet Shiny Toilet (sung to the tune of "Rockin' Robin") Orange Peal Records www.gemmy.com (For some reason "Johnny" is not listed there--but "Big Mouth Billy Bass" is!) ANNA: By far one of the wittiest, brightest minds of our time. While I was off waxing philosophic about this band and that band, the crapper was making genius comments like "Ew! Somebody light a match!" and making gurgling noises. That's about as good as it gets, folks. THE GENERAL: The best song of the night! What a wit! What a genius! The Don Rickles of 2001! HOLMSTROM: Good beat, I can dance to it. Return to top | previous

The evening ended on a sour note. Somehow, the spirit of Los Suízídas infected us all night long. First, Jolly's comments about going insane turned out to be quite prophetic, as he went totally insane and got kicked out of Manitoba's. Second, Jolly also threw up (just as Los Suízídas predicted!). Altogether, it was a night to forget! But a Listening Party to remember.